we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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