don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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