just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
