he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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