we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
