i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
