duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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