I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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