if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
