there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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