Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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