I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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