it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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