when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
