the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
