i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drunk is a universal language darling
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
