Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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