I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
