You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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