i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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