Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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