I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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