I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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