I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
