I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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