she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
