Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
