Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
