They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
