First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
