Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
