apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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