you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
