dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
