i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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