I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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