I can text with my tongue
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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