My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
