This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
