Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
