it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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