we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
