I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
