a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
