anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone shattered a urinal.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
