We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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