There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
