Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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