I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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