Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize