I love black thongs
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
