but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I fill condoms, not promises.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
