I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
