If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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