i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
