Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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