This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
