My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
