I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
