oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
