I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
