Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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